Saepe Exertus Semper Fidelis

roboticappendages:

ohcorny:

tortle:

catbuttcat:

heysawbones:

A Proud Moment.

I don’t have a degree in eating blocks of cream cheese, which sucks because I’m sure it would add a lot of value to my CV. (Instead, I have “lying, poorly”. Does that count?). 

I did eat a block of cream cheese once, though. I remember it fondly, because it was one of the proudest moments of my life. This probably says a lot about me, though god only knows what.

I used to be part of a youth group, which is to say, yes, I was part of a church once. I was the “youth leader”, which is the church’s way of saying, “you are the only person in the youth group who doesn’t roll your eyes at us, when we talk to you.” What they did not know is that - aside from not actually being terribly religious - I had made the youth minister my sworn enemy.

He was a weird guy. Very young; not too bright, frankly. Had a goatee, because the law requires all youth ministers to have goatees. It’s true. Look it up. He told us that Mormons owned Pepsi-Cola, and that The Gay Agenda created yaoi to recruit young men, the latter of which “fact” was really, really funny. A lot of the things he did were not so funny. Once, we went to a nursing home, where he decided to jump up and down in the elevator. He knew, of course, that I had an elevator phobia. I asked him to stop. He began sing-screaming, LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN, FALLING DOWN, FALLING DOWN as he jumped. A chaperone asked him to stop, couldn’t he see I was afraid? I backed into the corner and crouched there, clinging to the railing. That was the day he became more than just a moron. That was the day I decided I would make his youth-group life a hell.

Most of the time, all I had to do was ask real questions about the Bible, and then ask him questions about his answers, and so on and so forth until he ran out of excuses, or said something deeply embarrassing. One day, he was trying to explain why it was still totally okay for parents to stone their kids to death for disobeying. He was flustered; inarticulate. I pulled a room-temperature block of Philadelphia cream cheese. He watched me unwrap it as he rambled on. I took a bite. I locked eyes. I did not look away. I ate in silence. There was confusion written all over his features. His sentences tumbled apart into further incoherence, and faded away. He was afraid. 

I cherish that moment. 

Why am I laughing so hard??

I had to read this out loud
I can’t breathe

found it

I

CAN’T

FUCKING

BREATHE

MY NEIGHBOR JUST RAN OVER AND ASKED IF I WAS OKAY BECAUSE I SCREAM-LAUGHED SO HARD.

(via hyton)

catbountry:

gothiethefairy:

jackthevulture:

monstersandmaniacs:

‘Sharktopus’ 2010

This is a real movie that actually existed.

ohmygod

Motherfuckers, I own this movie.

you paid money for this?

(via totallynotagentphilcoulson)

laughcentre:

allmonds:

sluttyoliveoil:

allmonds:

stand:

I

I DONT GET IT SOMEONE EXPLAIN

i understand

THEN FUCKIBG TELL ME

8 times
8 times I have scrolled past this
I now understand

(via fiaysh)

We all have that one mutual follower we try to impress with every post.

(via fiaysh)

into-the-snogbox:

pingustolemysanity:

imagine-your-fav-character:

Imagine your favorite character barging into your room this moment, grabbing your hand, and taking you with them into their world

Lets be honest though most of us would be dead within a week

But it would be a bloody brilliant week

(via fiaysh)

beast-named-burns:

what-is-this-i-dont-even:

The LEGO Movie (2014)

I can’t wait

Ill die waiting.

(via indigocoloredthoughts)

vintage-aerith:

lawrencetheshark:

struder:

i’m gonna piss myself

REASONS YOU SHOULD NOT SKIP THE FELT INTERMISSION

otp

(via fiaysh)

letswishuponastar:

A good friend knows when to hold you back.

A best friend knows when to let go and let you rip into a bitch.

I like Stitch’s selfie in the middle of the pictures

(via fiaysh)

(via stringmouse)

heresthefuckyoubutton:

{x}

#he still isn’t wearing those goddamned headphones right

(via fiaysh)